i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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