He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
