Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm sobbing to NWA
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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