when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
