yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
