the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
