i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
