1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
