he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
