I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
