2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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