Do you still have your period?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
