To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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