some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
