The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
