I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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