Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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