My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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