he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
