she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
FUCK WHALES
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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