Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
