You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
