He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
cat food counts as protein by the way
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
