omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
