Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
