My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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