wanna go halves on a baby?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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