a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
