All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
