Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
