she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize