you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
