You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
