I am puke
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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