watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
