called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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