Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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