Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
