Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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