I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
