she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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