dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
