New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My ass is underappreciated
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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