I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize