you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
