i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
50% drunk capacity currently
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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