she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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