I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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