just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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