guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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