I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
