so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
