if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
that's an acceptable place to lick
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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