drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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