well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
