Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
