your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize