as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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