theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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