I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm at about main and main street
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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